As I quit my job in September, "WHAT NEXT?", they said and it echoed. It echoed so much that I was scared to even think about it. I impulsively left the job with an idea to pursue a Master's degree. I was convinced I wanted to pursue higher education as that was the only means for me to upskill myself. However, the minute I put my papers down officially was when even my Master's plan stopped making sense.
Was traveling my answer to what could be next?
I knew I wanted to do something but "something" did not have an identity to it in the first two weeks post quitting. To find me all over again, I took a week-long solo trip to Udaipur. The trip opened my eyes to a whole new world I hadn't seen, made me meet people I had never met before, and heard stories I didn't think I'd ever get to hear in person. I got to see new perspectives and I started seeing myself as someone who I hadn't met before.
Solo trips do this to you. This was my third solo trip and what I learned about myself here, I am going to keep it for the years to come. My trip was surreal...from getting lost in the interiors of the town because of no internet to help me navigate to being alone in my dorm room for the first two days. It was only after these two days that I met a few solo travelers in my hostel and together we explored the hidden gems of Udaipur that only I knew of as I was roaming around alone initially.
I spent each day with new goals and I realized how easy it was to live. It was not complicated at all. I used to wake up in the morning, hit the Zostel Terrace for a cup of chai, and indulge in morning conversations with my hostel mates. If not that, I used to log in at my office time and roam around the streets of Udaipur by stopping at every rooftop cafe that let me work for a bit. The view from every rooftop café was the same with the lake on one side to the Aravalli hills behind it but the feeling of seeing this view from different heights was what made it exciting.
For the introvert that I thought I was, I managed to make friends everywhere I went. There was this one time, where I was lunching at Jheel Cafe (One of the highly recommended cafes to visit at Udaipur). I looked around where I was sitting, and I could see a lot of groups of friends taking selfies, gossiping, and eating to their hearts' content. I thought I was the only solo traveler sitting at the cafe eating like a loner. However, there was another guy right next to me feeding on his pizza and by the looks of it, I knew he was a solo traveler too. This time I wasn't scared to talk to a new person, so I simply turned to him and asked if he was solo traveling. It was a good thing I asked him that because he turned out to be an interesting human.
The one week at Udaipur, as surreal as it was (something I've already stated above), made me forget the storm I was about to hit in a couple of days. Waking up every day during that one week did not seem like a challenge because I had something interesting to look forward to. Walking miles to get lip-smacking food, understanding and studying the history of the Culture of Rajasthan by visiting palaces, taking a stroll at Fateh Sagar Lake for Kulhad Coffee, or just watching the sunset and the sunrise from rooftops, hills, and forts - all of this made me look forward to what was next.
But little did I forget that my trip was only a week-long and that my life was waiting for me in Bangalore. My last day at Udaipur was also my last day at my job, after serving the probation cum notice period. As much as I did not want to leave Udaipur, the people I met, and the beautiful culture and history, I left with the most heartfelt memories that I know I would cherish for the years to come. I landed in Bangalore after the best time I had, only to enter the world of chaos and uncertainty because let's face it - I was jobless. Traveling was certainly my distraction but not where I found my answer to what was next.
The reality of WHAT NEXT!
October 2021 was perhaps the most gruesome month I witnessed this year. I did not have a job, I did not have any freelance clients who would help me sustain myself financially. My birthday sucked big time, and I was low on motivation to even write (something I loved doing) because this month, I felt like a loser. I felt like I was a straight-up failure who was unable to hold on to her second job in the past year, who did not know what she was up to. I did not know what I was up to and what I wanted to do, because I hadn't given the "WHAT NEXT" part a thought at all. I had turned 25 this month, but I failed to live up to what a 25-year-old would have achieved by now.
My friends were shocked when they heard I left my job AGAIN, my dad too was shocked because I hadn't consulted him before doing what I had done. I had a couple of offers in hand, in fact, good ones that even matched up and paid more than my current CTC but something didn't feel right so I gave up on those offers only to regret it a couple of days later. I gave a couple of interviews, messed up a few, hoped to crack a few - but all in vain because as I write this, I am still out of job but very very peaceful on the mental health side.
Months before October, I started resorting to therapy because my anxiety attacks were getting harder. It got hard to concentrate on work because handling my anxiety would take up half the time. A part of me somewhere knew that the job I was at, was perhaps not a great fit for me but I tried sticking to it nevertheless as I was afraid of being called a job hopper. I also knew I had to upskill myself and the only way it could be done was by pursuing a Master's but I was scared to leave the job because I liked the convenience of having money for living the life I was living. I wanted to save up for a Master's so I thought sticking to this job was the only way out for me to earn money. However, when the time comes, you know you've got to do what you've got to do and I did too.
We hold on to things thinking what others would think, but we forget about ourselves in the midst of making it nicer to see for others. What's our mental health? Why should we take care of it, when we have people's minds to take care of? I'd say it was a ballsy move to keep my professional and personal wants and needs in the forefront and didn't care about being labeled as a job hopper, not consistent with jobs, or being confused. I still don't because, I now know it.
So... what's the scene now? What's next? Do I have my stuff sorted after two months?
I managed to get a couple of clients in November, ending my jobless hiatus. As I pitched my content strategies and plans for them, I got my confidence back. It got me to be productive after a month of trauma, anxiety attacks, feeling like a failure, and the thought of me slipping into depression all over again owing to my personal life also being a bitch to me. I gave up some really good job offers, also a chance in leading my venture because something still felt off and not right. Although, all these months did make me realize how money is secondary to the mental health you can have and I had my stuff sorted way back. I was just devoid of how!
Right now, with 2021 almost coming to an end, I would want to highlight how "WHAT NEXT" is very different for everyone.
For me, I think I am in a comfortable place even without a job, because I wake up happy, and I work without the fear of working under someone and their timelines. I create my deadlines and I am my boss. Sure, the boss gets paid very little compared to others, but hey, at least I smile more these days. At least I know what it's like, to travel without applying for leaves and 9 to 5 work time! I managed to take a solo trip again after Udaipur (Went to Kasar, Uttarakhand this time) and it wouldn't have been possible had I not deciphered my work, my career for myself.
To all those who've managed to judge me and are still judging me and asking me why I choose to be unemployed (because freelancing certainly does not put you back in the game :/// ), to all those who check up on me only to make me feel like a loser, to all those who think I am confused and can only get to this much because I am not serious enough for my career (BECAUSE I AM A QUITTER, lol), thanks a lot.
All this while, I was scared because I thought I had no plans lined up for me and that I was not serious. I was made to think I didn't know what was next, but the truth is, I knew what was next all the way long! My mental health >>>>>> any other thing and I wouldn't trade this peace for anything.
Sometimes, all of us know what's right for ourselves but stop only because someone else has it planned for us. But who are they to dictate what and how and why and where we're supposed to do? Who gives them the right to have a right over our decisions? Why do we give "people" the privilege to make us walk their paths, something they wouldn't do themselves?
The whole point of me writing this is to tell you, readers, out there, that there's nothing more important than one's mental health, not even someone's opinions about yourself. You do you and what's next will anyway happen! It happened to me. Brought me to a very peaceful zone, but at the cost of judgy eyes and raised brows.
"WHAT NEXT" is nothing but people's way of judging. So, let them judge and nudge but you make your way. :)
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